baby blues, life, and growing up

Baby blues. What can you say about those? They suck! Body issues, hormonal issues, exhaustion, body aches. It all comes with being a new mother and I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for it. It doesn't help when it seems like the people who are around EVERYDAY don't understand. I know Josh tries to understand and be patient, but things will just set me off. We had out first arguement last weekend and it was a doozy. There was one straw that broke this camel's back and then I didn't even get the opportunity to talk to him before a certain neighbor and then I was guilty until proven innocent it seemed. Fact is, I don't think I've been proven innocent yet. I cannot compete with someone's best friend and I really am not going to try to when it comes down to it. I think I should have been the one who spoke to him about what was on my mind instead of out neighbor/his friend talking to me all morning and then grabbing him up as soon as he woke up and repeating things in her own words to him that made him pissed at me. It's just not right or fair to put words in my mouth. Like I said, though, I can't compete so why bother trying? It's too time consuming and energy draining.

We got through the fight, but there's one thing that was said to me that I will never forget. "Move out and expect to hear from my mom's lawyer." I don't think I can forgive that one either. I already have relationship issues after the previous two being TRAIN WRECKS, and now ... well, to be honest, I expect to hear that every time there's a disagreement. (Not. Cool.)

James will be one month old in 3 days. I go back to work a week from Monday. And I don't want him to grow up or to be away from him. On the other hand, being away from him will give me time to get rid of stress and to sleep. I know that's good, but it's tought being away from him.

Right now I'm at my mom's house after dropping him off 5 hours ago so I could have alone time at the apartment. The thing about me and alone time, though, is that I have to decide I want it. My mom said "bring the baby over and have a night to do what you want." Well, there's nothing I can thnk of to do and if I could I have no money to do any of it. The gas in my car needs to be saved to get me to work, and two doctor appointments this week, and I don't thnk it's gonna make it.

To top off all other stressors in my life: we're broke. Struggling for the 2nd month in a row to pay rent. We have no groceries in the apartment, I had to ask my mom to pay my $150 school loan payment this month, I have to find $97 for my cell phone + $50 for my car insurance + $30 for my credit card + $150 for next month's student loan + $150 for medical bills for next month. It's not going to happen. If I can pay the school loan next month with the check I get on October 10 I will be happy/relieved. Hopefully I'll make enough to pay my cell phone and car insurance if I get paid on September 25th.

Life sucks. I can't enjoy time with my new child and being a mom because of all the stuff I have to worry about and try to take care of month-to-month, check-to-check.

I have a salon interview on September 21, but I'm going to keep the gym job until I can find something closer and that pays more as a second job. Tw ojobs means I won't be able to spend time with James anymore which makes me depressed (not using that word lightly).

Life better get much better for us in the next year because we work too hard to keep getting crapped on. We want a good life for ourselves and our baby, too, and we deserve it.