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where there is shadow, there is also light

Well, GOOD NEWS (aka: the light) - I got hired at complexions salon.spa.boutique on Mass Ave and start working friday October 8 as an assistant every Friday and Saturday and a stylist every Monday. I'm very excited about this and have been telling everyone via Facebook to call and book appointments -- here's hoping they do it *crossing fingers, wishing on stars, thinking happy thoughts*

It feels REALLY good to be part of a salon that is the exact opposite of Hair Quest in Carmel. I've gone from Hell to Heaven, essentially.

Now, BAD NEWS (aka: the shadow) - Today I called gold's Gym to find out what my schedule is and I'm not on it. Now, when I got hired at Complexions I did turn in a 2 weeks notice to which Deanna (the operations manager) asked if I wouldn't be able to work 2 or 3 days still; I agreed I could and would actually prefer it while I start at the salon since it is comission-based and I need to build up a clientele in order to make money. So I told her every Tues and Thurs and every other Sunday (that would mean every other week I'd have only Wednesdays off and that would mean I'd only really see and spend time with Josh every other Sunday). Well, when I found out I wasn't on the schedule I asked to speak to Janelle, the customer service manager and point blank asked her "Am I fired, or let go?"
Janelle: (hesitantly) "Well ... technically, yes, you're let go. Katie from sales wanted more hours so we gave her yours. Sorry."
Like I told her, just because I got hired at the salon does not mean I'm making money since it's commission-based. I'm incredibly disappointed and I feel like a jackass for defending Deanna whenever people called her a bitch; well, she is a bitch. I cannot understand why someone would ask me to work 2 or 3 days and then when I agree, deny me the hours. So, alright, if that's how she wants to do it.

I filed for unemployment tonight and hopefully I get it because then I will not have to worry nearly as much and can help out around the house way more (financially) as well as catch up and pay off my medical bills and catch up my phone bill.

I am going to keep my head up, though, because this guy right here is worth seeing a happy mama!

Did I mention it's the BEST. MONTH. OF THE YEAR.!!!???? Well, it is! And it's James' first Halloween and I am all kinds of excited!!!!!!!

one month

The baby blues have turned out to be post-partum depression.  No thoughts of harming the baby, so don't worry; but with everything on my plate and the hormonal emotional roller coaster I am on (due to pregnancy) I feel like I'm drowning.  There was a quick 24 hour break up between Josh and I, but last night it seems to have been worked out. Talking, not yelling, does a lot of good, even if he had decided to remain single at least it would have ended on a good note. I like learning how to be in functional relationship and a mom, and I'm happy it's happening with Josh. He's a great person and I'm doing my best to let him know I think so.

Yesterday was also James' one month birthday. We took him to the Broad Ripple park, ate at Qdoba, and just had a fun, relaxed four hours. He was awake for about 2 hours of that adventure, but he slept through the park, rain, and playing on the play ground.

Break through: James has been sleeping 5-6 hours at a time during the night, waking up long enough to eat and get a diaper change, since Saturday Sep 4!!!!!

Weight Update: I've lost 20lbs of baby weight (I gained 50) in the past month :) Soon I'll be working out and hopefully get myself in real, true, honest to goodness shape.

baby blues, life, and growing up

Baby blues. What can you say about those? They suck! Body issues, hormonal issues, exhaustion, body aches. It all comes with being a new mother and I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for it. It doesn't help when it seems like the people who are around EVERYDAY don't understand. I know Josh tries to understand and be patient, but things will just set me off. We had out first arguement last weekend and it was a doozy. There was one straw that broke this camel's back and then I didn't even get the opportunity to talk to him before a certain neighbor and then I was guilty until proven innocent it seemed. Fact is, I don't think I've been proven innocent yet. I cannot compete with someone's best friend and I really am not going to try to when it comes down to it. I think I should have been the one who spoke to him about what was on my mind instead of out neighbor/his friend talking to me all morning and then grabbing him up as soon as he woke up and repeating things in her own words to him that made him pissed at me. It's just not right or fair to put words in my mouth. Like I said, though, I can't compete so why bother trying? It's too time consuming and energy draining.

We got through the fight, but there's one thing that was said to me that I will never forget. "Move out and expect to hear from my mom's lawyer." I don't think I can forgive that one either. I already have relationship issues after the previous two being TRAIN WRECKS, and now ... well, to be honest, I expect to hear that every time there's a disagreement. (Not. Cool.)

James will be one month old in 3 days. I go back to work a week from Monday. And I don't want him to grow up or to be away from him. On the other hand, being away from him will give me time to get rid of stress and to sleep. I know that's good, but it's tought being away from him.

Right now I'm at my mom's house after dropping him off 5 hours ago so I could have alone time at the apartment. The thing about me and alone time, though, is that I have to decide I want it. My mom said "bring the baby over and have a night to do what you want." Well, there's nothing I can thnk of to do and if I could I have no money to do any of it. The gas in my car needs to be saved to get me to work, and two doctor appointments this week, and I don't thnk it's gonna make it.

To top off all other stressors in my life: we're broke. Struggling for the 2nd month in a row to pay rent. We have no groceries in the apartment, I had to ask my mom to pay my $150 school loan payment this month, I have to find $97 for my cell phone + $50 for my car insurance + $30 for my credit card + $150 for next month's student loan + $150 for medical bills for next month. It's not going to happen. If I can pay the school loan next month with the check I get on October 10 I will be happy/relieved. Hopefully I'll make enough to pay my cell phone and car insurance if I get paid on September 25th.

Life sucks. I can't enjoy time with my new child and being a mom because of all the stuff I have to worry about and try to take care of month-to-month, check-to-check.

I have a salon interview on September 21, but I'm going to keep the gym job until I can find something closer and that pays more as a second job. Tw ojobs means I won't be able to spend time with James anymore which makes me depressed (not using that word lightly).

Life better get much better for us in the next year because we work too hard to keep getting crapped on. We want a good life for ourselves and our baby, too, and we deserve it.

2.5 weeks = mixed reviews

Getting use to this new life is frustrating to say the least. It's weird going from the single girl who goes out to the bars 2-3 times a week and has all the alone time in the world she desires to the girl who's living with her boyfriend and their 2.5 week old son. My alone time has gone down to ZERO, and this bothers me. I don't have time to think about me; read a book, watch a movie, go out, sleep, go to the bathroom, shower... The list could go on and on, I'm sure.

I don't ever read about other moms going through this until AFTER I have vented on a public forum and then I get a bunch of "it gets better" and "hang in there" messages. I don't want this to sound like I don't appreciate those messages, I just mean it would have been nice to see some posts from them when they were going through the first month so that right now I didn't feel like a lonely horrible parent.

To put the complaints behind me (for now anyway), James is thriving. He looks so different from when he was fresh out of the womb. Two weeks makes a big difference; clothes fit better, diapers fit better, to name a couple.

There isn't much to report, but the highlights are:
1.) August 16 - Both of my fellas had upset stomachs :(
2.) August 18 - "I love James' smiles; especially the Popeye and the drunk. Yes, I've labeled his smiles."
3.) August 20 - According to Joe Minkner I get "mom of the year" award for being out 12 days after having a baby. Too bad an hour after leaving the apt I wanted to be home and in bed haha
4.) August 21 - We just had our first case of projectile throw up.
5.) August 21 - James did really well on his first shopping excursion! Kohl's gave him much to look at (and a diaper change), Target was fun (and he got fed), and he passed out at noodles and co.
6.) August 21 -I just ripped the pillowcase off my pillow and frantically looked for the opening to "get my baby out" when I woke up to the sound of him crying.
7.) August 23 - So all I just heard from the bathroom was Josh saying "stop kicking!" and then he started gagging. I'm cracking up!

The deets

I've been obsessively updating my Facebook so I could remember everything from this past week specifically for this blog. My boyfriend and his BFF say I have an addiction to Facebook, but I never did tell them or anyone else why I was updating so much. So here it goes, the first week of motherhood.

As my last post stated, my water broke around 10:30p Friday August 6 2010. At 1:34a on Saturday August 7 21010 I decided it was time to go into the hospital. All I remember my OB telling me was when my contractions were 5 minutes apart (or at least a steady enough number between) to go in. 8 was the magical number it seemed and once I started getting tired it was just time so I could sleep. Apparently, you're suppose to go in as soon as your water breaks. Who'd have guessed? (Oops.)

Tired and starting to become miserable I checked in to the hospital and began the tedious task of signing off on paperwork - all the while just wanting to go to sleep.

I grossed myself out with the constant drip of amniotic fluid running down my legs while signing the papers above. I finally got to get in the bed and although I signed a few more papers while there, at least I was in a bed and comfortably off my feet. (Although, Mom wanted one last prego belly photo before this happened.)

Good lord I was huge!!! I mean, look at me! I didn't think I was at the time, maybe because I was living with the belly everyday, but looking back in the photos ... JEEZ!

Now comes the "fun" part...

Once in the hospital the contraction really started to kick in. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being so painful I could lose consciousness) I was rating myself at a 5. When the nurse asked what number should I say before they give me pain meds, I answered "6." Six showed up really fast after that. They hooked me up and within minutes I was feeling, as I told Josh, "loopy." I was awfully giggly, too.

I think I slept somewhere between that and being checked during contractions which I didn't know they do and it made me shake from an adrenaline rush due to the pain. I wince during regular OB exams, during contractions was excruciating for me. Finally, I reached 4cm and they gave me an epidural. It worked for about a minute and then I began to feel all of my contractions. My stomach was numb, my legs were aso numb (my right one was dead), but between those two areas I was able to feel EVERYTHING! No bueno. The nurse, my favorite of the whole bunch, was awesome the whole time and definitely had my back. An internal monitor was done because James' heartrate was dropping and spiking; signs of stress. That HURT!!! Oh my god! Why do they have to do exams and shove things up you during contractions?!!!

After awhile I was given a second epidural and my legs REALLY went dead then, but I watched the contractions and by the 4th or 5th one I felt nothing. *big sigh of relief* Finally, no more pain. I had been shaking violently and crying uncontrollably for quite awhile (I'm not good on guessing time frames because I had no knowledge of anything other than what I was feeling at this time).

I guess I went to sleep for a couple of hours and when I woke up they were checking me again. I was only at 4.5cm!!!! Practically no progression at all! I wanted to cry again. They had me on Pitosin this whole time, by the way. I went back to sleep and when I woke up an hour later I was at 9cm and my OB was in the room talking to me. I remember my eyes open but I didn't hear anything she said until about halfway through her statement. Something about heartrate dropping, stress, have to get him out now, umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, C-section.

FEAR.

I was suddenly jolted into consciousness; C-section? Umbilical cord around his neck? What?! None of it was going how I'd imagined it, none of this had ever crossed my mind. C-section wasn't even an option in my head. My mom had had two awesome deliveries with my brother and I, and I'd hoped for the same results. This was all the exact opposite. This was all everything I didn't want to happen.

They rushed everyone out of the room, except for Josh. I was crying again; seems like all I did that night was cry for one reason or another. I couldn't even focus enough to hear what anyone was saying; Josh kissed me, said he loved me and then I was being wheeled out of the room while he stayed behind. I began to freak out. I thought I was going in there alone, I thought "Why isn't he following? Does he know he's allowed to be in there with me?" The anestiologist started doing his work, I couldn't feel anything, and I couldn't stop staring out of the door, looking for Josh. Finally, I asked where he was and I was told he'd be in in a minute. A few seconds later he showed up, dressed in all of the stuff they had to dress him in and, go figure, I cried harder from relief. He held my hand and I heard, "You're going to feel some pressure and a little tugging. She's cutting now."

I felt nothing.

"That's a big boy!" one of the nurses said. Josh couldn't see anything at this point either. Then I heard the crying; not my crying, not my sobbing. The loud, piercing cries only one person in the world could be making at that moment. My son.

It seemed like they had me cut open, him out, umbilical cord cut, and him cleaned off in 5 seconds. The next thing I knew they were holding him in front of me to see. Once again, cue the water works. I think at this point Josh was somewhat in shock because I remember looking at him to see what he was doing and he definitely wasn't crying. After hours of my sobbing, this was the moment I thought "I feel stupid for crying." (Ha!)

Just as quickly as they let me take a look at him they took him away and told Josh he could stand up and take photos. I was told it was going to take 25-30 minutes to close me up and that they were taking James to the nursery to evaluate him and clean him up really well. Josh was going to go with them. That's the last thing I remember before waking up for a couple seconds when my mom came into my hospital room to see me post-op. Apparently, they weren't going to let anyone in, but she is a mother and she was not going to be told no. Somehow Lindsay got passed them because I vaguely remember her being in the room and me making her cry because I was crying (yet again! UGH!).

I fell back asleep for a good long while I'm assuming and then Josh was there asking if I wanted to see him. "Duh!" I said. So he went to tell the nurse and a few minutes later the nurse, Josh and our son were in the room and I was finally holding him. 3 hours after surgery. He was hungry and a tad bit pissed off so I obliged and he did beautifully at latching on. (Read on, it was all down hill from there where latching on is concerned.)

Josh told me there was a whole "gang of people" waiting outside to see me and he wasn't lying. I think there were around 10 people there when I came to. They piled into the room and I don't really remember what was said or done.

I remember Josh saying, "He was born at 11:56am. He was 6lbs, 15oz. 19.5 inches long. And he had monkey toes."

Poor kid, he's got my feet. HAHA!

I have to admit I absolutely LOVED my stay in the hospital. I felt like I was at a hotel on a mini vacation where we kept ourselves locked away from the worls (despite all of the visitors we had).

I loved that James knew my voice instantly that first second we met face to face. He was fussy until he heard me and then he jsut stopped and looked at me. We probably both had the same expression on our faces, "Oh, so that's what you look like!"

8.8.10 @ 4:53am - I have my world's most perfect person asleep in my arms right now. I'm so in love!

8.8.10 @ 8:08pm - I've never been around someone so cuddly before. I love my James!

On Sunday August 8 2010 my friend, Charles, came by to get the newborn shots of James. They are just beautiful!! Also on that day Ashley, Matt, baby Stella, Celia, Eric, Yvonne, Jamie, and baby Austin came to visit (at the same time). The room for a little while was full of babies. Stella, 7 months and 15 pounds; Austing, 3 months and 16 pounds (you read that correctly); and James, 1 day and weight unknown since newborns lose weight at first. Yep, Austin is the same weight, length, height, etc as a 7 month old. He's a big, beautiful, bouncy baby boy!!!

8.9.10 @ 9:29am - James appears to be headed towards Dreamtown so I'm going to attempt to lay him in the crib and take a nap myself.

Already I knew he wasn't going to like his crib; he prefers being held over sleeping on a mattress. Mattresses don't cuddle back. I apparently wasn't getting much sleep, judging by my updates.

8.9.10 @ 10:18am - Between James' needs, Josh's naps, and the nurses' constant checks I'm never going to get any sleep.

8.9.10 @ 6:03 pm - Slight case of jaundice. Nothing major.

Yep, my baby was yellow. It's not uncommon and didn't alarm me. Regular feedings would be good enough I was told. No need for a bili blanket or light therapy.

This was also the day (Monday August 9 2010) that James got his circumcision done. I chose to go with Plastibel. A plastic ring that requires no post-op care; it simply falls of when it's healed. As much as I was loving being in the hospital, I was equally as excited to get home. I couldn't wait to see James in his nursery.

I was/still am thankful for all the sleeping and lack of fussing James did in the hospital. It made it so easy to rest up before going home.

Once we were home all James ever did was sleep. However, the week went a little something like this:

Tuesday afternoon - got home; slept; had visitors; got a call that one date had been typed up wrong (2101 intead of 2010) on the parental affidavit and could we come in the next day to resign the papers so she could retype everything? Called WIC, MDWise, and my caseworker to let them know I'd had the baby. Caseworker didn't answer (surprise, surprise...), MDWise entered him in as born but said I'd have to get ahole of my caseworker to ensure he got put into the system, and WIC told me I should have called them the day after he was born (who has time for that while in the hospital?!) and scheduled my appointment to go in to re-register for checks. Josh ran to Walmart to get my pain meds.

Wednesday - drove to the hospital with James to resign the papers (got a $10 Target gift card for our troubles), then drove across the city to the eastside so Josh could sign the baby leave papers for his time off. My paind meds ran out.

Thursday - 11am was James' first pediatrician visit and he'd already gained his birth weight back. Then we went home for a minute, then drove to the WIC building and got James registered and me re-registered for checks.  Forgot my WIC folder (it would have been nice if they'd reminded me) so Josh said he'd go back Friday with the folder so we could get our checks.

Friday - I called my OB in the morning due to my incision being inflamed, red, and painful. I feared infection and was able to get in at 11am. We ran back to Mooresville where after sitting in the waiting room for 50 minutes we then sat in the exam room for another hour (or more) -- long enough that I fell asleep on the table. When my OB was finally able to look at it she took out half of the staples, said there wasn't any infection, prescribed me stronger pain meds and an antibiotic to prevent infection and encourage drainage. Josh dropped me and baby off at home then left to go pick up his check and the WIC checks. His mom came over to, as he said, "babysit me" -- I got to nap while she got to spend time with James. While I was asleep Josh returned home, his mom left as my mom showed up to get my new 'scripts so she could get them filled for me. When I finally woke up, although in serious pain from 2 days without pain meds, Josh was sitting on the sofa and James was asleep as usual. His dad came over with pizza and my mom showed up shortly after with my 'scripts, preemie diapers, and lemon snack cakes. :) Also, James pee'd on his own face.

Saturday - James turned one week old while Josh was out once again. However, Josh was worried about his circumcision ring causing him irritation. After an ER run it turns out it's fine. This is the day his umbilical cord fell off.

Sunday - Mom spent the day with James while Josh and I went to see Prince of Persia. Then James and I went to her house to visit my brother. It's been a good day all in all.

That's it. Now I'm waiting for Josh to pick us up so I can sleep since I've been up since 5:30a and going nonstop. I'm ready for sleep and I hope Josh has energy to stay up later than normal so I'm not up every 2 hours during the night.

labor has begun

This will be my last update until after I have this kid. (Excited?) WARNING: this will gross some of you out.

Around 10:30p, while playing Pictionary and just after going to the bathroom, I felt a surge of liquid. I assumed it was me peeing my pants, because as of late I have to go to the bathroom every couple of minutes and often leak a little. When I shifted my weight, though, I felt that my dress seemed soaked. So when a round of the game ended I excused myself to the restroom, sighing "I have to pee AGAIN!"

Needless to say when I went in there and pulled down the bikini bottoms (underwear doesn't fit me anymore) another surge of liquid (cloudy and thick-looking) rushed out in a stream and I knew then what I'd been suspecting for all of a minute: my water had broken.

Thankfully, my mom had foresight enough to buy pads at the store just in case, and she says she planned our family night not only to get my mind off being frustrated about being pregnant and miserable but in hopes that by me relaxing maybe progression would happen. I'm also putting "blame" on my sister-in-law, Christa, because she made me laugh so much and so hard I think I laughed myself into labor (not a bad way to do it).

Well, now my phone is blowing up and I know Josh is going crazy because he's making Lindsay blow up my cell phone and run down my battery. I'm busy timing contractions so answering texts and phone calls is not a possibility right now even though I'm receiving many. (Thank you, by the way, and sorry for ignoring you.)

DIRECTIONS TO ST FRANCIS MOORESVILLE:
465 to Kentucky Ave (I-67), turn left
you're going to drive for a good 15-20 minutes towards Mooresville
pass Meijer and car lots
there will be a Lowe's and a Walgreen's at a stop light, go through that
the next stop light is HADLEY ROAD, turn left at that light
immediate right into St Francis
park in the yellow parking lot
the maternity ward is just inside those doors to your left

See some of you there and the next time I post, there will be a baby using me as an all you can eat buffet and demanding I wipe his ass :)